Thursday, January 25, 2007

Internet vs. Gay Bars

I was having a conversation with a reader about meeting guys on and off the internet and how useless it is to even TRY to use the internet to meet someone.

There was a time when I didn’t even want to be NEAR a gay bar. All of my friends in college were for the most part straight. I had made friends with guys that were in the closet who started coming up to me more and more because I started the coming out process with my fraternity guys and the girls we hung out with.

For those who did not know how I did this, I told a few fraternity brothers of mine that I lived with and trusted with my life. From there if someone were to ask me about it I wouldn’t deny it, I would just say yeah. It went from there…

Anyway, the only way I really met guys in college was online. I am going to admit that while in college I would use and Manhunt to meet guys who lived near my college. The only time I really used it was when I was drunk and super horny.

Even when I used those site, the usual way the night would go is I would IM certain guys that I found attractive, wait for a response and surf for porn. It would get late and the only guys wh0 wanted to meet me were 60 year old guys. Nothing against 60 year old guys who may be reading my blog, but I am interested in meeting guys around my age. As the night would go on, I would get rejected by a few guys saying that I am “not their type” (WTF is a “type” anyway) Just like with that "hockey player" who said that we didn't click after talking online, it's stupid.

There was a night that I realized that I have to stop the whole internet meeting and try to go to a gay bar and meet guys. My family is all from Connecticut and my sister works in club promotion. One of her best friends worked “gay night” at this club in New Haven called Gotham. Saturday nights, guys like Brian from my fraternity would head to Gotham and he always found a guy to go home with. Doctors from Yale, accountants and guys who worked in insurance up in Hartford he met all kinds of guys there.

I decided one night over during my senior year that I wanted to check out Gotham. I had been working at a Pizzeria Uno’s close to home and this girl Pam who knew about me wanted to go with me for support. She ended up not remembering and getting wasted so she was out of the question to go. In her drunken stupor she told me to go by myself and that I would be okay. So I sucked it up and went.

I parked by the green in New Haven about 3 blocks away and made my way to Gotham. I get to the door and the bouncer there looks at my ID and gives me the 21 and up bracelet. He looks at me and says, “You realize what night it is tonight, right bro.” I nervously look at him and say yeah. He looked kind of surprised. I entered the club. It was about 10:30pm and only the downstairs bar is open. At 11:00 they open the upstairs and let everyone up to the large dance floor and bar area. I had been there before with fraternity brothers on a straight night for some chicks birthday but it was strange to see guys holding hands and I was uncomfortable. After a few beers I went upstairs and took perch in the bar area. I was waiting around and saw this hot guy with reddish hair wearing a zipper hoodie and jeans. Really good looking guy. He had a buzz cut which I really like on a guy. He had a nice built chest and looked good. After eyeing him for 20 minutes or so, he makes his way into the bar area I am in with his friends. After a minute or so his friends head out to the dance floor. He is sitting at the bar kind of staring off into space and I decide I want to buy him a drink.

Right now, its ballsy for me to even approach a guy. I have self image issues, which Tony and Tim smack me around for all the time. Anyway, I make my move from behind and say, “Can I buy you a drink?”

He turns around and looks at me and he smiles. He says “Why Sure JP Mac” (using my full name). I FREAKED OUT. Then I realized it was this guy Justin. Justin was a guy I had talked to online in high school. He went to a high school a town over from me. We had talked in high school, and even met at the mall once.

That day we met at the mall was so awkward for both of us. We talked about stuff and then said goodbye and kept talking online.

Anyway, back to the bar. So we caught up and talked for a little longer. We were both into each other and we decided to hit a diner after the bar closed. We went to the diner and I left the table midway to go to the bathroom. I get back and he had taken a picture with my camera, entered his phone number in and sent me a text message saying HEY CUTIE.

That night turned out to be a turning point in where I was with myself. Justin showed me that I can go to a gay bar and meet someone and not have to feel lame or embarrassed to do so. It took me a while to get used to it, even moving to NYC it took me a LONG time to be able to go to a gay bar by myself.

I guess the point of this is that trying to meet guys on the internet doesn’t work. I think going out, to gay bars has really taught me to not be afraid of myself and that it gives me the chance to meet new people. Even if it doesn’t lead to a sexual relationship, it’s still a new friend and someone to network with and possibly meet someone through.

Hope you all have a great day. I am feeling a little under the weather right now so bear with me.
That guy Ryan called me back, left a voicemail and I called him back and left a voicemail. Phone tag is always fun. Lets hope that I can meet up with him this weekend.


  1. when i was single, i never liked going to the bars alone. I always felt like a desperate loser. It was difficult to overcome. Now, I just go to see friends. so if BF is out of town I don't feel so bad going solo. Funny too, BF and I originall met online before we started dating, but I can also relate to what you were saying.


  2. JP I feel the same way about meeting guys on-line; it's a huge waste of time and nothing serious will ever come of it. Having just moved to Chicago not to long ago I still feel odd going to gay bars on my own but I'm forcing myself to do and so far it's been cool, though still a strange.

  3. Haha...I know you lectured me about the whole online vs. going out to a bar deal.

    Okay...I swear I'm going to go to a bar for reals and with company this time out to a bar in LA called Rage sometime in February with some friends (two of whom I just told recently about me being bi). So I was assured that I should find some hot guys looking for guys like myself at the club! Can't wait...Okay it's not a bar but close enough! :D


    P.S. I need to cancel my online dating account at pair (find the synonym for pair up) and over those two sites! Bleh! :p

  4. JP, you are right, the online thing can be difficult because it does seem like almost everyone out there just wants sex and nothing more. And if your looking for something more than you SOL.

    Keep your chin up though, you will find someone. Keep going to gay bars and put yourself out there. You're a very outgoing guy . . . that can be intimdating to the hottie who digs you. And by no means am I saying to stop being outgoing!

  5. have made a really good friend on the internet...but totally agree about pursuing any guy that way. It's just too damn stressful to go out and meet somebody....people will always post the absolute BEST pic. of themselves, of course. It's just so much easier to meet somebody for the 1st time, face to face...then take it from there.....although so many losers pursue me when I go out, but that's part of life.

  6. hey JP, excellent post. yeah I went through a big interenet stage, then got bored of trying to find anything in okc. but man, i don't know, I guess I need to get out and check the bars sometime in okc maybe. met a few at the gym past couple of years, been all right.later.

  7. I used to go to Gotham when I lived in CT, always used to find it a pretty tough, unresponsive crowd. If you can feel comfortable there, I think you can make it anywhere.

    Anyway, I found your blog recently, and am really enjoying it. Just wanted to say hi. :)

  8. In Sarajevo, you have internet, but no gay bars, just gay friendly bars (although that is rare as well). that i why you are left with an internet.