Thursday, April 24, 2008


Tonight has been a hard night for me. Emotionally I am spent. Big thank you to Justin for talking to me last night while I should have been running 7 miles... I got 5 in after we got off the phone.

Before I start my story a note to Icon: You leave me comments about when I get all "boo hoo" woe is me. Tonight, for the first time in a long time I feel broken... but optimistic. Everyone: Please read through the entire entry (don't just skim) and feel free to leave advice.

Over a month ago I met this guy named Rusty. He sent me a message on because he liked my picture and profile. I had been online, deleting profiles from and other sights and he had sent me a message as I was about ready to delete

He had a picture of himself up that made me do a double take. He is incredibly hot and totally my type. 5'10" Puerto Rican, Soccer players body, very toned... a total stud. We got to chatting and he we moved over to AIM not to feel as dirty. He is a grad student going to school in upstate New York and also plays lacrosse.

That night we talked for 4 hours. We joked, we chatted and everything was really cool. It got late and we called it a night. The next day he said hi and the conversations kept on going.

I shared his picture with a few other bloggers and was optimistic about his return to Connecticut. They all had the same reaction to his picture. WOW.

Into sports, an amazing personality, all around a great guy. Our conversations became more frequent and then our texting started. He sent me a picture text of him wearing a shirt from where I went to school. It was sweet.

K told me "do not fuck this up, or else I will kill you."

I got home from work late one night and my phone rang, it was Rusty. fresh off a win and WASTED he said some of the nicest things to me. First he begged me to come to Upstate and I asked why he wanted me there. "you're cute, you know sports. Why wouldn't I want you here"

The crush depend.

Over the next several weeks we would talk almost every day. I would text him good luck and he would let me know how he did in a game. I was falling hard for a guy who was 500 miles away.

He said he was too. One night he said, "Come here immediately before I punch you in the face!" It was cute, playful and what made me like him. "Why are all the guys I want 500 miles away?" he would say later in the conversation.

This past weekend he was talking about a guy he was crushing on "for a hot minute" and said that he doesn't hold crushes for a long time. That is when I started feeling uneasy.

He ended up hooking up with a guy this past weekend, told me about it and I told him about my amazing head that I got. It was like having a conversation with Billy or Cooper about a guy I had met the night before.

On Monday he was at work, I had woke up and was groggy. He mentioned he was at work and suddenly signed offline. Nothing in the conversation was out of place before that point. I just figured he needed to focus on work.

The next day came and he still wasn't online. I sent him a playful message saying that he had blocked me. We were always joking around with each other. I went to sleep and had not heard from him. This morning I woke up and sent him a good luck text message, as I had done and got nothing back.

He had actually blocked me on AIM and un-friended me on Facebook. At first I thought to myself, "This is VERY high school of him" For some reason I got very emotional about the whole situation.

It's been a build up of having my sister and grandmother in the hospital (but are fine now) trouble between me and my best friend, this overwhelming loneliness and need to be wanted that caught up with me.

A friend who I have known for a while and had the daily Rusty updates talked to me and really helped me clear my head about the whole situation.

I left work a little early to help clear my head and I called a few of my friends and no one picked up. for the first time in a while I cried my eyes out.

Was I upset that this guy all of a sudden, without warning stopped talking to me? I concluded that the reason I was crying was the fact that I let myself fall for someone who was living far away from me and possibly would not have worked out.

I wrote him a short to the point e-mail. I hope he responds but I get the feeling he won't.

This situation has taught me a lot. I sit here, re-hashing it... typing it out for all of you and thinking to myself that this may be for the best. He is planning to stay up in Buffalo. Maybe he met someone and they started dating and couldn't face up to it.

Instead of moping around about the situation it's another one that doesn't know what he is missing with JP.


  1. I think it sounds like the guy falls hard and fast, and then like a kid with ADD is off to the next shinny, pretty thing. I've never done the whole online long distance thing. But if you step back and think about it I dont think Rusty was the right fit. 500 miles? And the way that he just cut u off seems pretty cold.

  2. I can relate. Been in similar spots. It's tough.

    I've had exactly what your
    talking about happen to me. He even wanted me to
    relocate to live with him. Or so he said, before I couldn't get a hold of him.

    I look back and laugh but you know what,
    it was real. Even if we met online, and talked through chat, Aim and cell phone calls. Being 'long distance' didn't make it sting any less when it fizzled. The getting to know each other part was probably even better because we weren't close. Took the pressure off a little.

    Meeting the way we did (online) didn't make it any less intense when we were into each other.

    Technology helps you make these connections that weren't possible all that many years ago. And with that, comes an even bigger pool
    of people that can be anything on the spectrum. Sounds like he's like a lot of guys we've all run into.
    The fizzler who gets intense and then moves onto the next guy that spurns some interest. And then he turns the charm off quickly and painfully.

    Maybe it was different for him then you, maybe not. But at least you had a good time while it was good and hopefully you bounce back from it fast and don't let it keep you from making friends and meeting people, because you know what? The ONE is out there somewhere. (how's that for a cliche' pep talk?)

    If you give it time, maybe he'll come back to you if it's meant to be. I've that happen a time or two also. Maybe he's just been a jerk for a spell and doesn't know how to un-jerk himself?

    Damn that was long and kind of obvious. Oh well, i'm posting it anyway. Take care and hope you bounce back fast.

  3. Ahh my good friend... Life is a bitch sometimes... You know what I say.... Play on Playa... Immaturity rears its ugly head early. So ya had fun he busted your already bruised heart and now you move on. Two lessons here stud boy. 1, Do not do long distance never works 2, Never trust a PR with a hot bod. :)

  4. Hi JP -

    I'm really sorry to hear this has been a rough time for you. No doubt the recent concerns with your sister and grandmother made the whole Rusty thing a bit harder to take, when he stopped communicating.

    I'm a firm believer in "Never say never", so I won't say that long distance things never work out. But, there's no doubt that they are more difficult, in some ways.

    Technology can make the getting to know each other easier, in some ways, but it can also make it more difficult - you miss those little 'moments' that happen as two people are getting to know each other. You also lose at least some of the opportunity to guage the other person's reaction to things you say or do.

    Don't give up, though. Rusty might not have worked out... To play "devil's advocate" for a minute, maybe he is/was feeling as bad about it as you are, and felt he had to cut off all contact to avoid getting hurt. If this is the case, it was an immature way to go about it, I admit...

    But, if he reacts in an immature way (as would seem to be the case, no matter what spin you put on his cutting off contact so abruptly), maybe it's best that you found this out now, and not later.

    I'm not condemning Rusty here. There's no way to know what was going on in his life, and what prompted him to do what he did. But, whatever the issue(s) may have been, he didn't handle it well.

    You have a good head on your shoulders, and you're more mature than this. You deserve someone who is your equal, not someone who is playing games or running away from fear of whatever.

    I know that the being alone isn't easy, but you will find the right one. You have a lot to offer the right guy, from what I know of you from here.

    Another thing to consider is that your character and interests might also hook some guy who never would have thought they would have feelings for another guy. The only downside to this is that it might take a bit longer for the relationship to happen...

    Keep smiling and keep writing. The right guy is out there, and you two will find each other. It's just a matter of time.

    Stay true to yourself!


  5. Hey JP,

    I know you're going through a rough patch right now, but don't allow it to make you see the world differently. Allow your confidence to attract that type of guy you want to meet.

    I feel that facebook, myspace and dating sites are the worse places to find a genuine connection. I believe you have to look a guy in the eyes and see if there is a connection.

    Be happy with yourself and don't get to caught up on looks and body types to find the ideal guy.

  6. What angers me the most about this whole situation is that after sleeping it off I realize that I wasn't upset with details of Rusty... I was angry and upset of the concept of Rusty.

    I know for a fact that the online thing never works out and is pretty much only good for a booty call every once and a while.

    The concept of Rusty is what I was angry about. A smart, athletic, hot guy that thought I was cute and complimented me.

    I just don't get how all of a sudden ha could be so childish. Better to have found out now.

  7. Jp,

    Sorry this guys an ass. Karma's a bitch, his day will come and he'll understand how he's treated you.

    But on a side note, keep your chin up and prep yourself...Beantown this weekend buddy! You better ring/text me when you get into town!

  8. Hey, totally random guy here today that found your blog. Just wanted to say hang in there and obviously he's not worth it. Hope things get better soon.


  9. Friend...I am sorry about this Rusty guy. It sucks to feel like something could work out and then for it to not.

    But don't get pissed at yourself, it will happen friend, don't worry.

  10. "it's another one that doesn't know what he is missing with JP"

    Exactly! His loss man...

  11. Hi,

    After reading your post I must tell you that my initial impression is that he was not who he claimed he was. It has nothing to do with you. I actually read a rather interesting article in the Advocate about a similar situation to yours.

    In the article, the man tells about meeting a very handsome, well educated, and extremely together guy online (who of course lived a great distance) and they hit it off for months. They talked on the telephone, chatted online, and all that jazz. The "perfect" guy asked repeatedly to meet and actually initiated a date.

    All was set to start in "reality" when all of a sudden...POUFF! the "perfect" man disappears. All of his profiles are deleted, his AIM or YAHOO! names are gone, and there is no response on the telephone or a working number for where he can be reached.

    The man suspected the "perfect" guy was not who he claimed to be throughout the courting experience but his own desire to want him to be what he claimed, blinded him from the tell tale signs that he was possibly too good to be true.

    At the end of the article the author acknowledges his failings in the situation, but admits, he would rather still have the facade relationship in his life than the cold reality.

    I am not sure I agree with the authors conclusions, however, I wanted to share with you that you are not alone in having such an experience.

    In your situation, your "perfect" guy may have been all he said he was but it seems to me that his response to your joking is overly exaggerated to the point of remedial and illogical.

    Please do not take this the wrong way, or as an insult, but I suggest you go to grad school and take a break from men for a while. Your desire to be with someone, anyone, is going to, in my view, continue to lead you down a self-destructive path.

    From reading your blog you seem like a really sensitive and cool guy. In time, the right guy will find you when you are busy living your life and not searching to find someone to fulfill you. Your challenge to make yourself feel "complete" is an inner voyage and not something that can be given by another.

    I hope this is helpful.


  12. JP, this is an aspect of yourself that you seldom reveal to us. I'm sorry that it has hit you so hard. I've been there -- we all have -- and had an almost identical experience (or two.) I've quit doing the online dating/hookup/relationship thing. It consumed way too much of my valuable time with damn little to show for it.

    A month is a very short time (for me, at least) but in the cyber twinky gen-Y world of instant gratification, perhaps it's nearly a lifetime. Rusty was impatient and you were dragging your feet. I feel that you should have hightailed it out to Buffalo as soon as you felt a deep connection to him and he reciprocated. At the end, it seemed like he was imploring you to visit. He might have sensed a losing cause. He might have found someone reasonable close at hand. His technique? Fags do this to each othr all the time. Brace yourself; it will happen again, and again.

    As a grad student, Rusty has his balls to the wall much of the time. BUT after graduation, he has to decide where to go to earn a living. It could be Connecticutt if he has a reason to go there.

    So, you'll recover from this in a short time and get back into your usual form and tell us about some absolutely fantabulous hookup. You'll eventually find another Rusty.....but will you tell us aobut him, show us your tender side, until you're heartbroken again?

    The blogosphere is what you find in it. I live vicariously through you and a handful of others. It saves me a whole bunch of time that I would have wasted in the chat rooms.

    You'r doing alright, JP. It'll just take you awhile to realize it.

    OK, so you know where to find him. Get the hell out to Buffalo and find him!

  13. Ryan has a good point. I considered that maybe Rusty is a fictious character. At least you talked on the phone, right?

    I learned through numerous disappointing online experiences that I never met a man with whom I had not talked on the phone AND exchanged numerous pix.

  14. JP,

    Ryan has given you some solid advice. You must consider the possibility that Rusty was not real or could be mentally defective. Some people actually get off by seducing others online, but never in person. I strongly disagree with Icon’s advice about you going 500 miles to meet this guy or any other for the first time. You just can’t know what your getting into ahead of time.

    My advice is to read the following:
    - Read about the various personality disorders on Wikipedia, the articles are concise and accurate. Pay special attention to the diagnostic criteria for each disorder. Print off the articles and read through them several times. If your interested you can find books written about each disorder, but everyone should at least read what is available on Wikipedia. It will really open your eyes to the people around you. Also, understand if a person has some of the traits of a given personality disorder (and most people do) or combination of disorders it does not mean that they actually have the full blown disorder. People with Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder will give you the most trouble. If you encounter a Borderline person, just run the other way, seriously.

    - The major mental disorder you want to watch out for will be Bipolar disorder. If you ever have a relationship with a Bipolar person, you should at least know what your getting into, a turbulent roller coaster life. Wikipedia has a nice overview of the disease. Note: Bipolar patients can become violent.

    - Finally, I highly recommend reading at least one of the following books but all 3 are really good:
    Effective Interviewing and Interrogation Techniques by Fletcher and Gordon

    Detecting Lies and Deceit: The Psychology of Lying and the Implications for Professional Practice by Vrij
    Essentials of the Reid Technique: Criminal Interrogations and Confessions by Buckley

    These books will help you both in your professional life and personal life, if you really work through one of these books like a job, you will be able to ask the right questions to get the information you want, and be able to spot deception effectively. Not to say you will be 100% accurate, but you will certainly see the world more clearly.

    There is nothing wrong with working hard to find a mate, but if you appear extra nice (too nice), overly eager, or perhaps desperate the potential relationship will crumble before your eyes.

    So why aren’t you seeing the basketball coach again?

  15. You'd think men would've progressed after years of dragging their knuckles on the ground.

    Apparently, not.

    They're still fucking stupid.

  16. "I know for a fact that the online thing never works out and is pretty much only good for a booty call every once and a while."

    Amen! I've tried to make friendships this way more so than love connections and even they don't work out well. I had one similar to yours...we talked for a few months. We finally met very briefly and then I was blocked and emails were ignored. No explanation. I never tried to call though.

    I also have two different online friendships, but there's a certain amount of jealousy involved in both of them, both on my part and the part of others. I know I don't like who I am sometimes with either of them. If they were "regular" friends, I think it would be very different.

    Although in a comment to an earlier post someone took issue with you hanging out in bars, at least you get to see the guy there and read his body language. He still could be full of shit and lying his ass off, but you'll be able to judge him better based on the whole picture you see in front of you rather than just reading text on a screen.

    Although the internet can be a great way to connect, there's nothing like a face-to-face meeting with someone and giving each other your undivided attention.

  17. Damn Rusty needs his ass kicked.

    Sorry to hear he got one over you.. you seem like a really sweet guy.. pity just losers exist to fuck up people's days/moods.

    Truthfully, I don't think this guy is even worth the effort of thinking about.


    SSD x

  18. Sometimes I feel like myself and other bloggers are the only normal, mature guys on the planet. That loser who blocked you is acting like a 12 year old. If you're old enough to date, you're old enough to say you're not "interested."

    Sorry to hear about this. :-(