I am paying today at work. After I wrote my posts for the day I ended up heading to grab lunch with two of my friends on the East Side of Manhattan. We ate, drank margaritas and talked about mostly my night last night with a bunch of people from work. I also found out that this girl, Kelley, had a HUGE crush on me and then we hung out one night and she saw me hitting on a guy and her world came crumbling down. Oh well.My confidence is on the rise and I have been meeting some great people and friendships have been flourishing lately. Things are great with friends from school, my friends in the city are awesome and the guys I play softball with are amazing. So why am I cursed?
Over the past month I have met some awesome guys. Since I have moved to the city I have met some amazing people. There have been some rough patches but everyone has those and should be expected. But I really think I could be cursed when it comes to guys. Why do you ask… two examples and they both read this blog so they can’t be angry with me.
First, Tim. Tim came to the realization that he is gay not too long ago. After starting to come out he met a very nice guy who he has really fallen for. All within the first few months of him being “out”. I envy Tim for that and have told him on several occasions that he is lucky to have found that right off the bat.
Second is “Jared”. Jared lives in the Midwest US and contacted me from reading the blog. He is deep in the closet and told me that I was one of the first people he could ever type the words “I’m Gay” to. Jared and I became great e-mailing buddys and talked on AIM while I was at work. He developed a crush on a guy he worked with and at one point I thought it would have developed into something else.
He has been absent for the past few weeks and had no clue why. Readers come and go, IM and then disappear. It happens. He signed on the other day and surprised me. He had met a guy at work who he became good friends with and developed an attraction to. One night the friend starts asking questions about what Jared thought about Gay rights and so on… the conversation turned to both of them coming out to one an other and they are now dating. This is Jareds first experience with a guy, first person he tells and now he is dating.
I have had a, umm, long drawn out coming out process and started in high school messing around with guys and now want something more than just a quick fuck or a internet hook up.
How do these good looking guys find a guy within weeks (sometimes minutes) of coming out and all of a sudden be in a relationship?
Please do not get me wrong. I am very happy for both couples and at the same time, I live in one of the biggest cities in the world and has a large gay population. But I still can’t find that guy that is right for me. There are times where I don’t care and times where I do.
The last month I have met 2 or three guys that have potential. I am not banking on Gino calling me back at ALL. Which sucks because I found him very attractive and fun to talk to. Another guy named Rich is just “really busy” along with everyone else.
I even had a guy tell me that my hours were a reason why he could never date me. It pissed me off to no end and the smallest things pissed me off and I blew them out of proportion.
I thought my curse was because I am a BIG sports fan. Sports have always been a part of my life. Matt from DTB had this take on the situation:
“I wouldn't be surprised if most gay guys would be either put off or intimidated by a rabid sports fan. Put off for one of two reasons: 1) they assume you are a self-hater, pretending to like sports to feel more masculine/mainstream or 2) they are so pleased to have come out (i.e. not to have to pretend to like sports to fit in) that any thought of having to pretend to like sports again to date somebody who does is not something they look forward to. Intimidated because they might equate sports fans with the uncles and brothers and local police chiefs and burly coaches who made fun of them when they were growing up for not being able to properly throw a football. The idea of sports, and of being asked to engage with sports in any way, brings them back to an unhappy place.I could be totally wrong and/or making this up, but it's what came to mind when you suggested guys ought to like you for being a sports fan but don't”
Is it bad to be searching for someone to be a companion with? I know relationships just happen when you don’t want them and when you least expect it. Any and all comments are welcome and I hope some kind of discussion can happen here because this whole situation baffles me.
worse -- you could be a Republican. after all, what self respecting masculine gay wouldn't sleep with a Mike Piazza or David Wright. oh yeah, a Yankees fan. alright, two reasons you didn't mention.
ReplyDeleteu're not cursed. otherwise alot of people will be too. and i don't think the sports thing is an issue. for me, it'll b a turn-on...haha..
ReplyDeletei'm complaining too, because the gay community here is too small. i think mayb that's why i'm fond of moving to the US.
but i suppose its not where you are that matters. u just have to get into a situation where you'll meet the right person...which i really don't know how i'm suppose to do that. suppose it just happens
It isn't the sports thing, because I also like sports, and it hasn't stoppeed me. There's nothing anyone can say that won't sound patronizing, but I looked for two years after coming out and had NOTHING but one-night stands and very short-term relationships. Then I stopped looking and met the guy I've been with for 14 years at a party.
ReplyDeleteHEY! Give me a ring, sounds like we could go on and on...similar experiences. We need to catch up anyway
ReplyDeleteI'd sleep with you, but your a yankees fan. You'd have to wear at least socks with a red sox logo on them....
But about the dating thing. Some of us can be out for a real long time and not find what we're looking for. Others might just jump at the first thing that comes along. Keep the faith, your man will appear.
you'll find that guy- it'll come when you least expect it, or are not looking. thats how it happened for me
ReplyDeleteMaybe NYC is a problem, because there's such a big gay population, there are choices, people even if they met the right person for them is still hoping for more because there are so many choices out there. So if you found someone that you like but even a slight incompatibility would let you to write that person off. So it end up everyone is looking and hoping for someone better and no one is satisfied and no one found the one that they are looking for... that's my take on the situation.
ReplyDeleteIt will happen eventually, that's what I keep on telling myself that. I think we should all think less about it but just believe, otherwise it will easily depress you.
I despise organized/spectator sports but an very active with individual sporting activities. Currently I am way into snowboarding and flying but have, in the past, been an accomplished scuba diver, hunter/shooter, etc. I have a difficult time finding guyz who do much of anyting at all 'cept hang out at bars. It's unfortunate that the gaybar is the centerpiece of our "society." I also can't stand to be near cigarette smoke, so there goes another big chunk of guyz. So, I just keep looking, trying to find places to look other than bars and trying to avoid the smokers. Don't despair.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, the one thing I wish I learned earlier in life is to have been more comfortable being myself while and open to others about it. I had a great time being in my 20's but I was living two lives. There was an ENORMOUS sense of relief when I finally came out, but I did it on my terms, and tried to "shatter" myths of what a gay guy was. So like you, I enjoy non-traditional gay things and actually overcompensated by throwing it in the face of gay friends to be like: well I'm gay and I like things I'm not supposed to" In the end, it just looked like I was trying too hard. So anyway, my advice is to just be yourself and whether you have str8 friends for sports and gay friends for clubbing, just be sure to be honest with the st8 jocks about who you are. If they don't like it then they probably aren't worth being friends with. Anyway, that's my two cents.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog btw!
JP - your love of sports will forever preclude you from getting any (male) ass.
ReplyDeleteAs a gay man I am disgusted that you like sports.
Why don't you just find a nice girl and breed with abandon?
BTW - Just fucking with 'ya!
Thank you all for the insight. I know it takes time. It's just frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the sports thing has anything to do with it. It's the fact that there are so many gay men in NYC. Lots of competition, which means guys are careful to "settle" in case someone comes along that is perceived to be better. Until you hit your 30s and you've had all the casual sex with every hot guy imagineable, and realise it's not about that, and other aspects of a person become more important.
ReplyDeleteUntil that happens, enjoy the ride, enjoy the freedom, enjoy the thrill that guys like Gino give you, and let it happen. It will, I promise :-)
Hey JP, just getting caught up and saw this post. I echo your feelings. I tell Tim all the time how jealous I am of him. I'm even jealous of your situation. I wish I had a bigger gay population to date from, the trials of the midwest.
ReplyDeleteAs for the sports thing, I wouldn't sweat it. The guys who would be threatened by your love of sports are probably the kinds of guys that you don't want to date anyway. I'm the same way: love me, love Michigan football.
Keep your head up and keep at the game. Some day our princes will come.
DB
not too sure I understand DTB statement, I don't think being gay has anything to do with liking sports or not. I would never assumer number 1, and number 2 well I figure gay or not, a person will have to decide to be themselves or not when dating anybody.
ReplyDeleteI think people either like sports or don't, no big deal, and there are PLENTY of girls who don't like sports that date guys who do, and there are girls who do like sports etc.... should not affect the gay dating world other than guys are usually wanting to hang out doing similar interests with the same guys they are dating... never having a bf I'm not sure if I'm even able to comment... ha.
later.